Sunday, August 31, 2008

A Spritual Epiphany...

Okay, I was sitting in church today, and I had an epiphony...let me give you a little background...3 months ago I lost my job...a job I really, really loved, and was good at, and I lost it for some really insane political needless to say, I have had a really hard time, and I haven't had even a nibble in my job search I am sitting in church, listening to the priest preach his sermon, and it's like God just whacked me upside the I am putting question marks where He has put a I am, struggling, asking why, when I just got my answer. I defined myself by that job. I let the job become my self-worth...not the fact that I am a wife and mother (and good one too) not the fact that I am a child of God, not that I am so full of worth, that my father gave his only son for me...My house is not in order. Not my physical house...(but oh man does that need attention) but my spiritual house...I felt God speak to me tonight, tell me that before I "run" back into worldly endeavors, I need to clean house. I heard him tell me to leave my worries at the feet of his son, I clearly understood, that until this "transformation" takes place, he is helping to keep my mind free of all outside thoughts and missions except the ones that he has already given me to take care of...does this make sense to anyone...I know I am just spewing all of this out...I will still keep looking for a job, but it will be AFTER my time with him each day, AFTER I make sure my house is in order, not before or instead of. I can't tell you how emotional this post even is for me, i can barely type because of the tears streaming down my face, my God is such a wonderful God, and I know that if He takes care of the birds of the sky, how much more will he take care of me, his beautiful daughter.

God bless you, in HIS name.


Thursday, August 28, 2008

Thank goodness you can't see me...

I was floating thru yet another day...and came across Maria's myspace page...and something really struck me there...

There is a world of difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it: - Bill Phillips

Nothing can be closer to the truth than that...I am a big believer in "fail to plan, plan to fail"...the problem with that is this...I am a planner, I can plan with the best of them...but you HAVE to follow Maria struck a chord in my life today, and I am thankful...but is that all I am...thankful? I know what you are I do it? Yup...I did...I have not run in 2 years...I have plantar Facitis...(sp?) which I KNOW is a huge part of my weight...I weigh 194...Good Lord, did I actually post that? Wow...that is what I have been fearing...the blog world knowing my shame, my failure...but you know what...who cares? I failed, I planned, and I still failed...I made choices...bad ones, but they were my choices. I am now choosing a better path. I popped in my couch to 5k podcast, and grabbed my hubby and we ran!! (well, we walked, jogged, doubled over panting...lololol) but I did it. I always KNOW that what I am eating, drinking, doing to myself is bad...but I didn't DO anything about it. Will I stumble again? I hope not, but proabably, but this time, I will DO what needs to be DONE. Thanks Maria.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Just me...

I have been pushed me off the fence I have been sitting on for far too long... and I am grateful. The last 10 weeks have been filled with tears, pain, denial, and most of all...self loathing. The fall from the fence was ugly, but my life is about the here and now, and the future. No looking back. No should haves, could haves, or would haves. The life I have lead, and the choices made have gotten me to where I am, and why waste time thinking about what shoulda, coulda, woulda...does it change anything? I have found the only thing negative reflection does is chip away more of your self worth. Reflection in itself is a wonderful tool when used properly and healthfully. Today I choose to be just me. Who am I? That seems so easy to answer right?...well, "I'm a loving wife and mother to 2 incredible boys" and while thats the truth, and has been my pat answer for so long, is that all I am? Isn't it enough? Is it enough? I am committed to find out who I really am, and most important, who I want to be when I grow up. Total truth is my new reality, and this is where I have chosen to bare my soul, to share my successes and failures. This is where I ask you (anyone reading this) to be honest as well...if you agree or disagree, feel free to share your feelings. I'm not sure where I expect this blog to go, but I hope you hang out to find out with me.